April 27

Journeying on..
When Loren was first diagnosed, I and he could draw on our faith and our
friends as we accepted the path before us. Pancreatic cancer that has
already spread has a way of deciding for you- fighting is a waste of
precious time. And we did not waste time. We gained a son-in-law, put
things in order, spent time together and with friends and family, travelled
and packed so much into those 3 months.
During and after, family and friends shared their time, their money, their
strength with me and my family. The summer flew by.
The next months were months of figuring out how to live now.. One daughter
married, one moved out on her own with her boyfriend..some sorrow and
struggle as weary family ties stretched and strained and have/are returning
to an equilibrium. Great change has its costs- despite love, despite
faith.
Then te months of what it means to be single hit me. And that was hard.
While my faith kept me strong and able to find acceptance during Loren's
illness and death, it was a separate grief to accept being single together
with my kids moving into their "flying the coop" stage. I couldn't handle
the challenge of an intense study course during this period. I had more
grieving to do. During these months, my smile was mostly absent and my
heart was unbearably heavy. "What's the use?" Was a common mental refrain.
Was my faith gone?
I believe my faith was numb and the faith of others sustained me during
these days.
Month 10 and 11...I found new work..in an area I didn't ever think I would.
The hospital.
Was I crazy? It sure has felt that way. I have been more afraid and
uncertain then I thought I could be and still go in and learn. But I am
learning. I have seen progress. And better than that.I have watched as an
attentive face and expressed concern has lightened the strain for some of my
patients. In this is a joy for me.
Touching people's lives and seeing them, hearing them, at a time they will
often feel like they may not be noticed...this is such an immense privilege.
When we are sick, hurting, weak..it is easy to feel afraid. Love helps.
I am a novice nurse, and an imperfect person, but God has given me eyes to
see and ears to hear and I am so grateful that in this way, I can show
love; in this way, I rediscover joy.
Much love,
felicia