Dear family and friends,
I have wondered for days what I should write. This grief road got rockier and narrower and steeper this month. I didn’t expect it too. January came and I thought I was turning a corner- taking on the Critical Care Nursing course, being at home.
But the corner I turned was down a dimmer way.
My brain and my body were more tired than I knew and I struggled in that course. I relinquished the course. Too much for now. I struggled being home more and relating to the 2o+ year olds in my place.
Struggle, tiredness, tension were in me and similar things were in my kids- not a good mix. Strained people are not the best communicators.
And now I have gone to a house of 1. It didn’t happen easily- or with much wisdom on my part. Alissa and her cousin have moved out together. But there is a little positive communication since then.
Cammie may be moving back shortly; Darragh is back in Ireland.
I am looking for work. The Critical Care Course leader was very understanding- seems the whole world is just in the midst of losing someone close to them- and the door is open to take the course in the future.
I have wondered about how Love is evident or learned in all of this. It was Loren’s deepest hope that Love would be- a part of his willingness to accept the path he was on.
I haven’t felt all that loving- maybe not that loved either in this time. Pain does that. But what is felt isn’t the sum of what is real.
There was grace – in being able to withdraw from the course. There was grace in the efforts to reconnect after anger. There has been grace in many little, tiny ways- that add up to just enough to get through a day.
There has been love expressed by others. There have been prayers. There has been presence.
So---I guess that is what I write….it isn’t poetic. It just is. And one day, it may be easier. There is a little more light each day. God is present. And I am grateful.