Saturday February 19

Dear family and friends,

 

I have wondered for days what I should write.   This grief road got rockier and narrower and steeper this month.  I didn’t expect it too.  January came and I thought I was turning a corner- taking on the Critical Care Nursing course, being at home. 

But the corner I turned was down a dimmer way.

My brain and my body were more tired than I knew and I struggled in that course. I relinquished the course. Too much for now.    I struggled being home more and relating to the 2o+ year olds in my place. 

Struggle, tiredness, tension were in me and similar things were in my kids-  not a good mix.  Strained people are not the best communicators. 

 

And now I have gone to a house of 1. It didn’t happen easily- or with much wisdom on my part.  Alissa and her cousin have moved out together.   But there is a little positive communication since then.

Cammie may be moving back shortly; Darragh is back in Ireland.

 

I am looking for work.  The Critical Care Course leader was very understanding- seems the whole world is just in the midst of losing someone close to them- and the door is open to take the course in the future.

 

I have wondered about how Love is evident or learned in all of this.  It was Loren’s deepest hope that Love would be- a part of his willingness to accept the path he was on.       

 

I haven’t felt all that loving- maybe not that loved either in this time.  Pain does that.  But what is felt isn’t the sum of what is real. 

There was grace – in being able to withdraw from the course.  There was grace in the efforts to reconnect after anger.  There has been grace in many little, tiny ways- that add up to just enough to get through a day.

 

There has been love expressed by  others. There have been prayers.  There has been presence. 

 

So---I guess that is what I write….it isn’t poetic.  It just is. And one day, it may be easier.  There is a little more light each day.   God is present. And I am grateful.

 

Love,

felicia