I was well and truly loved….
And nobody actually loves me like that anymore. Not just as a spouse…but my kids are of an age of individuation-maturing …family draws back to their primary concerns and friends too, have their own primary burdens of family.
This is a hard thing to face. When Loren was alive, I didn’t need my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends in the same way. I had my other half. And so I hurt in new ways. It is the hurt of figuring out how to go it alone. A job that is important to do. Not fully alone- I know I am loved and that I am safe. I count on this. But the day to day interactions of being loved- accepted, understood by someone who is as vested in your life as his own- because it is a shared life…..that is finished.
God is invested. And it is His life too….yet that is not the same as someone human who wants things like getting the living room painted together with you…or who just feels like venting about the kids….
It is to this that I am adjusting.
It’s been a good day. Waffles with Cammie and Darragh. The living room only had one more coat of paint to go...and Ali helped me finish that. I was out at the Forks with a friend- enjoying the sunshine and the trees and the visit. My parents came by and dropped off some cookies and well wishes.
It’s been a well-controlled health kind of day. I have so much. But right now, just this minute, I am a little sad and I miss my life with Loren. I am learning another lesson of what it is to lose him.
I know I will find new strengths, new joys along the future. I am not without hope…but I am sad.
Thanks for your prayers.