Loren & Felicia

Loren & Felicia

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Missing Loren...

Radar misses Loren. He seems to think he has to step up and growl and bark now when anyone's at the door. He used to just do one bark and then a tail wagging whimper - except when no one was home.

I miss Loren, too. Sometimes it's just like he's in Gillam or something but the quiet is settling in and the sense of sole responsibility for decisions about 'our' life, too. Many of the ones I am making are ones we had discussed - but some are brand new. And that is going to increase. Along with parenting my adult kids.

I miss his laugh. And how we could just get the giggles together early in the morning on a Saturday when we were trying not to get up yet 'cause the kids hated us making noise on a morning they could sleep in. Not that that stopped us for long. If Loren was still in bed by 9 a.m. he usually felt like most of the morning was getting away and there was stuff to DO.

I need to learn more. Seriously. I need ... I was going to say 'knowledge' - but I need that knowledge to filter into me and be internalized - so really - "I need to learn more" is about right. It takes courage for me to want this. You've all figured out that I like people - and I like relating to people. I spent some years wishing away my hunger for knowledge because it seemed to separate me from people. People I loved and wanted to be known by. If you keep changing and you can't explain it - you feel yourself lonely. And I love people. So that's why it took courage to go to school. I did find out that it was OK and that my world grew...but then I had Loren - who just grew in his acceptance of me. So ... it's going to take courage to keep wanting to learn.

That was a long ramble. And it's Saturday morning; my room is quiet.

Oh - and the steam room and 90 minute massage was fantastic! Hanging out with Cindy was really fun, too.

Wisdom. I'm going to need a lot of it. I have a little. You don't go through this stuff without growing a little if you're at all open - and I'm open. But I operate by listening, intuition and instinct most strongly. Sometimes that isn't the wisest -'cause I can be wrong.

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